im sick of it all. I feel like stunned. Caught in this little room, which i call my flat. I alone all day, when im not at university. No, i haven't got friends, but i couldn't explain the reason why. I the past i were sad about it. Today it doesn't really matter anymore to me. It is, like it is. Thats it.
I don't have the feeling that i reach anything in my life... even too at my sport. Yesterday the coach said im a backup for a backup... wtf.... he could have said straight to me that i will not play... its the same... backup for a backup.... what a shit... and then for a person which i would say about is not as good as iam. I've made more tackles then her. Ive been going more times threw the O-Line as her. That made me mad. And my shitty university... such a crap...
often i ask myself, why im still here... i don't think that many person would miss me. My family haven't cared anytime of what i do. Holy shit... everythings shit.
hm, but, i think theres a little lightpoint in the sky. I got known a boy, over the internet. He cames a bit much far from me, but not to far. He is nice. We are writing very often about many different things. But, i would not write with him about this, which im writing here. What would he then think about me?
Be scared? Hate me? Violate me? Perhaps.
in a past relationship i have talked with my friend about EVERYTHING.
When i think about it now, i would say it was a mistake. He couldn't handle it. The relationship broke. I hate it. I hate it when something ends. I hate it when it happens suddenly. I was honest to him as i could be. But he wasn't. I told hin everything, show him my world. But he... got a new one after only some days.
I think, everytime when an relationship ends, you lose a part of you. No matter how good, or bad it ends. Still loosing anything. I have lost my believe. I really don't want to believe in relationships anymore. Its everytime the same: Anytime it ends
And it hurts me to much. It needs time, till i show the other person "my world" my innermost. And when it ends, i have the feeling the person doesn't care. Shes kicking it with her feets. Kicking my feelings.
So, i decided to build a wall around me. And that person who climb it, and reach the other side, deserves it to be loved from me. Don't think something wrong, im not arrogant. Its just a Protection for me. Don't know how often i will take it, till i would say now more.
In the moment i have the Opinion that i will not get old, and die alone. Don't ask me why i think this. But its like that.
Im so sick of life... i need a change, but im stuck in here, and couldn't leave.
Perhaps a little cut could help
