Its been 3 Month since i wrote the last time here on blogger. I had a really heavy sport accident by one of our games. Now its better, i can walk now a bit, but my mood is more worse then before.

Yesterday i became the message that it could be that i have to be operated another time. Because the blood, have been grown together with the flesh around.

I don't want this. I still have to repeat 6 Exams. Wenn ich must be operated one more time, i will miss another 6 of them. that would be 12 Exams to repeat.

The thing which more pisses me off, is that my leg is still lot functionell. I love it to run, to be sporty. That the thing which let me feel a bit better. The doctor said after a half year, i can start with sport again. What will happen when i need to have another OP?

Everything disturbes me. F*ck that.... damn... i hope that i will can do sport after 6 Month, when i need to have this OP.

Tomorrow i have to went to hospital there they will look after it, and then i will know what's the next step. Please let it be good... i don't want another OP, i don't want this Pain.

again and again...

im sitting here in my flat and i have no motivation to do anything.

I missed university, cause it bores me. 

Sport is becoming even more and more less attraktiv to me. And my flat... don't want to tell when i did clean it up the last time...

whats that why i feel so down?!

Its horrible. I don't really want it to. It let me feel like a looser. It feels kind of strange to me.

I WANNA be Aktiv, i WANNA do something.. but, i couldn't its like im catched inside of me, more and more.

I have to think about how i could change that. it disturbes me, but i have the feeling that i can't do anything against it.

im sick of it all. I feel like stunned. Caught in this little room, which i call my flat. I alone all day, when im not at university. No, i haven't got friends, but i couldn't explain the reason why. I the past i were sad about it. Today it doesn't really matter anymore to me. It is, like it is. Thats it.

I don't have the feeling that i reach anything in my life... even too at my sport. Yesterday the coach said im a backup for a backup... wtf.... he could have said straight to me that i will not play... its the same... backup for a backup.... what a shit... and then for a person which i would say about is not as good as iam. I've made more tackles then her. Ive been going more times threw the O-Line as her. That made me mad. And my shitty university... such a crap...

often i ask myself, why im still here... i don't think that many person would miss me. My family haven't cared anytime of what i do. Holy shit... everythings shit.

hm, but, i think theres a little lightpoint in the sky. I got known a boy, over the internet. He cames a bit much far from me, but not to far. He is nice. We are writing very often about many different things. But, i would not write with him about this, which im writing here. What would he then think about me?

Be scared? Hate me? Violate me? Perhaps. 

in a past relationship i have talked with my friend about EVERYTHING.

When i think about it now, i would say it was a mistake. He couldn't handle it. The relationship broke. I hate it. I hate it when something ends. I hate it when it happens suddenly. I was honest to him as i could be. But he wasn't. I told hin everything, show him my world. But he... got a new one after only some days. 

I think, everytime when an relationship ends, you lose a part of you. No matter how good, or bad it ends. Still loosing anything. I have lost my believe. I really don't want to believe in relationships anymore. Its everytime the same: Anytime it ends

And it hurts me to much. It needs time, till i show the other person "my world" my innermost. And when it ends, i have the feeling the person doesn't care. Shes kicking it with her feets. Kicking my feelings.

So, i decided to build a wall around me. And that person who climb it, and reach the other side, deserves it to be loved from me. Don't think something wrong, im not arrogant. Its just a Protection for me. Don't know how often i will take it, till i would say now more.

In the moment i have the Opinion that i will not get old, and die alone. Don't ask me why i think this. But its like that.

Im so sick of life... i need a change, but im stuck in here, and couldn't leave. 

Perhaps a little cut could help

fall asleep and never wake up again. 

Like Sleeping Beauty, but without the Prince

a few minuts ago ive talked to a friend.

We talked about different body types, the he said that im a bit bigger.  It could be the normal woman thing, to feel sad about it.

...but, i don't know... i think my figure is normal, not fat not thin. There to many mans who believe the adverts, which say, how a woman have to look like. Its a wrong picture.

I think that is even to the reason why i don't let boys get close to me. I don't want them to think about me that im a bit bigger. I want that they think "yes, thats a figure i like". Just like i do. 

It doesn't really matter to me how the body looks like. Its the whole package which is important. I like blue impressive eyes. But they could be green, brown or any other color. A bright smile, which catches someone. There are small thing.

everytime, when a relationship ends, i have the feeling something is dying inside of me. I can't say "i love you" anymore. don't know. it lyes on my tounge but, it couldn't come out of my mouth.

i don't have the feelin that the person give me that back what i give her. im to inward. 

Such a shit... ive seen that the limit of my bank account is reached and its just the middle of the month... how could that have been happened? This month i had many different suddenly pays, things which i had to buy for university... such a shit... im such an unlucky person in the last time. There is nothing which will i apparently leave out.

I feel like ive lost all, family, friends... but why? Nothing which would explain it happened. But ok... my both sisters become a baby. But, what about my parents? I think i mean nothing to them, because im not so "wonderful" like one of my sisters. I think, she has that life which my mother ever wanted, and cause of that reason she wants to be a part of her life. We, her other children are nothing more then dirt for her. So funny... one time she told me that she believes that i want to kill her. How stupid is that... i think to much about the past, so that i can't really look into the future. Im still missing a family who to takes care for each other. 

Today

Today is a day... i don't know... im on bad mood since sometime. And in don't really know why, i can't explain.

Ive deleted something which was important so other people, so am i a bad person? Don't know. And really... it doesn't really matters to me. Cause i don't like the most persons of my college, so it doesn't make any difference if they now hate me more as they have done it before.

My life is everyday the same shit. Nothing special, and everytime im alone. Don't know if its really a problem for me, i did not decide it yet.  Both have their positive and negative sides. In the past i would have been gone crazy, when i was a to long time alone. But now, i think ive getting cold.