fall asleep and never wake up again. 

Like Sleeping Beauty, but without the Prince

a few minuts ago ive talked to a friend.

We talked about different body types, the he said that im a bit bigger.  It could be the normal woman thing, to feel sad about it.

...but, i don't know... i think my figure is normal, not fat not thin. There to many mans who believe the adverts, which say, how a woman have to look like. Its a wrong picture.

I think that is even to the reason why i don't let boys get close to me. I don't want them to think about me that im a bit bigger. I want that they think "yes, thats a figure i like". Just like i do. 

It doesn't really matter to me how the body looks like. Its the whole package which is important. I like blue impressive eyes. But they could be green, brown or any other color. A bright smile, which catches someone. There are small thing.

everytime, when a relationship ends, i have the feeling something is dying inside of me. I can't say "i love you" anymore. don't know. it lyes on my tounge but, it couldn't come out of my mouth.

i don't have the feelin that the person give me that back what i give her. im to inward. 

Such a shit... ive seen that the limit of my bank account is reached and its just the middle of the month... how could that have been happened? This month i had many different suddenly pays, things which i had to buy for university... such a shit... im such an unlucky person in the last time. There is nothing which will i apparently leave out.

I feel like ive lost all, family, friends... but why? Nothing which would explain it happened. But ok... my both sisters become a baby. But, what about my parents? I think i mean nothing to them, because im not so "wonderful" like one of my sisters. I think, she has that life which my mother ever wanted, and cause of that reason she wants to be a part of her life. We, her other children are nothing more then dirt for her. So funny... one time she told me that she believes that i want to kill her. How stupid is that... i think to much about the past, so that i can't really look into the future. Im still missing a family who to takes care for each other. 

Today

Today is a day... i don't know... im on bad mood since sometime. And in don't really know why, i can't explain.

Ive deleted something which was important so other people, so am i a bad person? Don't know. And really... it doesn't really matters to me. Cause i don't like the most persons of my college, so it doesn't make any difference if they now hate me more as they have done it before.

My life is everyday the same shit. Nothing special, and everytime im alone. Don't know if its really a problem for me, i did not decide it yet.  Both have their positive and negative sides. In the past i would have been gone crazy, when i was a to long time alone. But now, i think ive getting cold.